Slow Day

"I slept for around 3 hours today. My peace has been disturbed for some reason. Cases and emotions all bottling up. I went to work feeling like a zombie: wandering aimlessly, thinking poorly, tired but not really wanting to resolve things. I don't want to lie. I just don't. I am honest to a fault. Was it my fault?"

This is the thought I had last 7 June 2023. I cannot remember what this was all about. Maybe this was the time when my anxiety was at its peak. If that's the time, then it was probably when I read a case about one of our employees who is about to be meted with a harsh (for me personally) penalty. My heart is stinging, my whole body is aching, my muscles are uncoordinated, as if sucking out the oxygen in me. 

The year 2023 is QUITE a stressful year for me. Lots of stories about corruption, hurt feelings, grievances, cheating, and just about all the mundane things that you can imagine. I remember I read somewhere that human emotions can only take two stresses in a year, three at most. What are these stresses, you may ask. It is about life changing experiences that you may encounter. Things that will change your routine, basically. One example of which is wedding. It is a joyous occasion but it puts a certain amount of stress to one's way of life. Sure it's a happy milestone but the preparation, the things that you needed to consider, the life you are about to leave and the idea of a family that's ahead of you, that will put you at a stop-over. Will you yield, will you make a detour, will you pursue? 

Another example of this is promotion. You need to re-align your goals, your self along with your team. Giving birth is also a major source of stress for people. I remember once when I got promoted, got pregnant and had to move to a new house all in just one year. Changing a career is also one of it. This thought is something that I am considering, tbh. The list goes on. 

For me, I have numerous stresses this year. I cannot even begin to explain what I am going through because it is something I cannot explain/share here in detail. Only one person knows my struggles and I am grateful that I get to share all my worries, my happy moments, my life. Papa, thank you for everything you've done. I may not be a perfect wife but you sure are the perfect husband. I love you till the ends of time. You kept me sane despite all my worries, my struggles, and my weird habits. You're patience extends waaaay too much that I am thankful I have you. [edited today, 08 December 2023 because I feel like you are an embodiment of good husband, a perfect father, and a hardworking provider to me and to our kids. You deserve the world.]

Today is 13 August 2023. I have a 50k bill to pay for an experience I am not sure I would be able to attend, 100+ cases to read, thousands of articles to memorise/familiarise with, doctrines to study. Where am I exactly? Still hustling, blindly walking the path less travelled, struggling to find that balance. But above all these, there is one thing I am sure about: I will love life as much as it is loving me.