19 August 2023

Today at 11:55AM, I let myself cry. Not because of other people’s decisions, but because this was, and still is my decision. I cried for about 20 minutes straight. The ache that you feel when you first got your heart broken, that’s how painful it was. That’s how I felt. School is school until it is no more. You get confused and you ask yourself, where do I really stop. Can I still make it? Is this what I really want? Is this what I love? Can I still endure? These are the questions that led me to a different set of questions altogether. I’ve been hustling for about a couple of months now and I haven’t fully grasp the things that I needed to do. 

After about 20 minutes of crying, I stopped. Not because I felt relieved nor calm, but because I needed to be. Have you seen someone puts a time limit to how long he/she must cry? Now you know one. As my phone alarm rang and broke my sobs, I stopped crying because it has pulled me back into the reality of life. No one will save me. I needed to be my own warrior. If I will not hustle, then who will? I wanted to die. I wish I was dead. Then maybe the hurt will go away. But AJ's face put me into my place...They saved me today.

And so I puffed some powder in my face, a touch of lip and cheek tint to hide the gaunt façade, and smiled. I know it was not enough but as they say, fake it till you make it and in this case, till it blurs reality, right? So where do I stand? 

We’ve been told that school is a jealous mistress - one you cannot pacify with just a night of being together. Countless…endless…it makes you go crazy. I have no time left because I needed to study the rules of court. Why am I here? Why do I still write? To keep me sane, I suppose. Ending this blog today with this realization:

 

I am but a person in love of the study of law. The law and it’s elements do not love me. But I still cling to it. I long for it. I will be waiting still. Until then...