Monday Blues

A couple of weeks back, we went to Iloilo for a summit. Horaay! We went to Guimaras Island for their Manggahan Festival where you can eat as much mango as you want for 30 minutes. How cool, right? But THAT is for another post. I'd like to look back to that funky week when I need the energy. 

Just dropping by because I AM ANXIOUS. I am DREADING for tomorrow to come because 1) I'm still not done with the documents I'm working on and I hope I would be able to finish it before the day ends and 2) I'll have another meeting with some admin cases we have in the office.

So for a few years already, I usually join the committee meetings that the investigation committee conducts as their recording secretary. Not a fun job tbh but what gives me pleasure in all this is that I learn new things everyday. Theory-wise, our legal officer is just a walking codal. Maaaan, she's just a different breed so I love her. I've work with a few. The previous one I've worked with is cunning, I think. If you are the client, you'd be happy. But if you are on the opposing team, just be ready. I admire that person too. The other one is very calm, very kind, not difficult to approach. Also, I have a huge crush on him. Ha! I don't even know if he knows me but he's the kind of lawyer who I also look up to. He's gone to a different agency but from time to time, he appears on my feed. So I guess he's doing well. There's also this one who is vengeful. Not someone I admire in terms of attitude but I guess, her connection is something to think about. Different people with different strengths. Someday...

So anyway, when I joined the committee meetings, I always, always shudder because these are the people I've known for quite some time already. Some, I've worked with, some are acquaintances, and some are my friends. One day, you share your stories together and then on the other, you deliberate the merits of their actions. Such a heavy burden to carry. I feel like I shouldn't be on this at all because I am emotionally unstable. I try to hustle but sometimes it gets on me. There's different triggers for every person and these types of meetings brought a lot of unforeseen memories I have long forgotten. I'm okay for the most part. Subconsciously though, I am not. There are different struggles we try to bury.

The past week, a lot of people are getting on my nerves. I'm thankful for the people I work with, sure. They are smart, they can be easily talk to, and I have no problem reaching out to them. It makes my job easy. But occasionally, these same people are also making it difficult for me. This one time, I ask this person to help me with the Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) by explaining to her staff the objectives of it. I've already talked about it months prior. 

The day of the document signing came and I am flustered because, her staff were making these awful comments. LIKE, WTF? It's okay if these are just clarificatory questions but dude, it's not. They are making it seem like I am making them the villain by FORCING them to sign the f****** NDA. That the probable leaks are from them. Just sign, will you? It's not my idea anyway. I'm even asked to sign it so WHAT. IS. THE. BIG. DEAL? Apparently, they were not notified beforehand that the NDA is on the works. So that stressed me out quite a bit. That was sorted after a couple of days so horaay.

After this one, the planned test in our agency was LEAKED. Because of that leak, the results were compromised. GAAAWD how awful. That is an on-going investigation and we will have a meeting this week to discuss possible strategies. I have already explained this to our administrator and she wants to get into the bottom of it. It makes me anxious because what if I did something wrong, maybe it was me? But I didn't tell anyone. Times like these makes me question my capabilities. This was also exacerbated by the fact that the list I provided had lacking names. Let me explain. I asked the in-charge about its completeness and they said, that's okay, that's fine, it's perfect. IT IS NOT. I don't like lousy efforts which result in lousy outputs. Man, it's a very stressful week.

This week takes the cake though. This person I'm working with (for a couple of years already, I think) was making these unreasonable demands. Like I can't chat/text because he wants me to call him as his hands are tired, I suppose. When I'm calling, he can't hear me properly. And if you explain it thoroughly, he is always, always in a hurry - as if asking me to talk faster. This has happened on several occasions, mind you. I have already listed down possible questions for his benefit but dude got a very busy schedule. Way important than mine, right? That has gotten on my nerve fr. I have already done what I needed to do and all I ask is just some iota of consideration. I told him I'm pissed btw. But I guess he's mature ass think it's okay so he just laughs me off. ALSO, who sends a 6-line CV? Makes me pissed even more. I told him he's immature. He took offence and told me about it. I told him it's just my opinion and we made peace about it. Whatever. Also, he’s taking on hints that I am out of bounds. Hmm. Yeah…I should probably chill too and take my follow-ups a few notches. I’ll try not to disturb him as much.

So after that encounter and a couple of very stressful weeks, I finally did it. I ask my Psych to see me. I needed to see her because I've been manic and it is affecting how I interact with people. I easily get pissed and I feel like it is not healthy anymore. I should be chill as a freezer. After about nearly an hour of talking to her, I felt a more relax aura, like in a trance, yk? I felt joy. Things that I can't talk to anyone, not my husband, not the legal team, not the health team, I was able to talk to her about everything. My anxiety, my hopes, my struggles, everything...Also, there's a new diagnosis. Not really sad but it brings me comfort that it validates my actions. So I guess that explains why I am this way. Nothing is off limits (except of course the deets of the cases we handle), but my emotions are fed. I felt heard and I am grateful. 

Now the anxiety is building up again because tomorrow is a whole different day. Wish me luck? I hope I will live to the expectations of people.