My First and Greatest Heartbreak

For quite sometime already, this has become a tradition. Not yearly as I would have imagined it to be but, every now and then, I miss the person who broke my heart; my first love, my soulmate. Gone yet always remembered. 

Not all of you would want to reminisce the old times because of how painful those days were. But I think wherever I am, I would have a space for you. A big hole that no other person can ever fill. My husband don't mind. He loves me and accepted me wholeheartedly and I'm sure he is as grateful as I am to have you in my life.

No matter the hurt and the sleepless nights I endured, I miss the times where I could just hold you, talk to you, love you...and just be there for you as you were to me. This post is all about you, a celebration of love so pure it hurts.

I hope you get to read this. Because all those memories as so fresh yet so vague at the same time. Like a love lost....

Remember that time where I saw you crying because my sister (your first love), lied to you? Yeah. I vividly remember it. I even blogged about it before. Ha! But that's for a different story. My sister wasn't home and you received a call from her. Telling some trash I suppose. At that time, you just kept crying. It was a poignant moment because it showed how much you have gone through being with her. And I would always go back to that day because it showed how you truly loved her. To me, that was the most vulnerable you've been. When I saw you crying, I couldn't look at you. I just mumbled and left for school. It broke your heart, I know. But it broke mine too because I couldn't help you. I'm just a little girl trying to look out for you because in my tiniest heart, I have loved you. And I'd like to think that I have loved you more than my sister could have ever. You were my first love, and also my greatest heartbreak.

One of the fondest memory I had with you was when you taught me about my lessons at school. I told you about this report that we were having a presentation, omitting some information that it was my crush who'll be doing it. I asked for your help because you always know things. I did well, I think. I remember getting teased about it afterwards but all of it were just memories I now remember in fragments. There were also times that you would asked me to go to school with you. See the surrounding buildings, talking about school, life...It was one of those things I hated because there's too much people in your work. And then I get to share you some more with them. 

In those years, I long for your love. I would like to have more time with you but your attention was always with my sister. Your first love, you said. That hurt so much like a dagger. This is something that I didn't tell anybody but I read your message to her. A handwritten letter, full of love, affirmation, and longing for her. You even said that she was God's gift to you. A fulfilled promise. That hurt my naive heart.

I tried acting up to get your attention. You must have known by now. But at that time, you were the one who looked after me. I messed the event, put a tantrum in front of everyone but you remained calm. I thought I'd have the same effect as my sister but you just let me sleep at home afterwards. Scolded me a bit and we never talked about it again.

The love I have for you was nothing short of easy. It was always me fighting for a chance for you to love me, more than my sister, more than anyone else. But of course, it wasn't that simple. My dad...he loved you to bits, you know. He was devastated when you were gone. My brothers also cried when you left. You would play with them, buy them toys, just banter with them whenever you can squeeze us into your busy schedule. And so you leaving us was, I guess, brought too much pain to all of us.

They say you can't heal being heartbroken. You just get used to it. You move on and ultimately, forget everything. I guess they are right. I focused my attention to other people. Got a boyfriend who cheated on me. Got another one, almost also cheated on me. And slowly the memories I shared with you have now become a speck of my inconsequential thoughts.

I miss celebrating your birthdays. I miss your laugh and your words of wisdom. In every special occasion at home, you have been part of it. For the 15 years on this earth, I witnessed you raising me with my sister and brothers. A mother who sacrificed a lot to give us a comfortable life. I am celebrating you today because you deserve it. You deserve everything. You, being gone, put so much resentment, so much unfulfilled dreams, so much love lost...And so before this day ends, I am celebrating your pure love. I am not a perfect mother, I know that. But your love for your family, to us, made it seem easy to wade through every problems, every difficulties and sorrows. 

I love you mom. This year, my heart isn't so heavy. But I still miss you. I know I'll always will. I am embarking on a new and difficult journey, work-wise. I wish you're here to tell me what to do. I'll send them through in my mind and hope you'll hear my heart. Happy mother's day Ma. Wish me luck in heaven.