Emotions

Hi!

Hope you are having a good time. Things...aren't so good on my side. It's not really THAT bad. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the emotions of some people I interact with on a daily basis.

Anyway, I sent some random tweet today because shits been going on in my head. Yesterday, a client I have provided me with an update on how he's been doing - I needed him to do this because, well...work. Sooo...we exchange messages for a while and he asked me the inevitable. He asked me to be honest with this one unavoidable question. I felt bummed for not being able to answer him straightaway. I want to, I wish I could, but I just couldn't. The main reason I cannot give him the answer that he wants is because it is beyond my pay grade. I am not the legal officer nor the administrator. I'm just helping, thrown into all this chaotic cloud of sorts. Also, I don't want to lie. It weighs on me deeply.

I also feel like if I lie to him purposely, he would know and I don't want to make him feel bad about his situation. Good thing though, his frenny (frenemy I suppose), provided some insight what to tell him. To be honest, this whole saga of assisting people in my current line of work just took a toll on me today...and a couple of days prior.

I know I've been in a blackhole of emotions. It is still etched on my mind how men and women, adult mind you, started crying in one of the meetings I attended. Dude, I don't cry easily but at that instant, I sniffed. It's funny because our legal officer was keeping things light but when that woman started saying it was her dream that was crushed because of how badly she was treated, and when she mentioned her parents, I lost it. As you may or may now know, my mom was and still is, my greatest heartbreak. I almost, ALMOST cried. Truth be told, I did. I just kept it together. It would be silly of me to cry and contribute to what they feel when I'm just a bystander. I felt sad because I feel their pain. Little did I know, these instances are slowly creeping in my consciousness. I might need to visit my psych soon if this goes on.

These emotions have been bottling it up and I've been drawn into this abyss of nothingness. Coupled with stress I have been experiencing with my direct reports, I'm just feeling a bit too exhausted for my own good. 

So much stress, yet so little time to process. I'm gonna leave this here and hopefully I'll feel refresh next week. Hope everything's going well at your end.

-Jen