Meticulous

I had a stressful day today. One of my deliverables for a plan I was involved with was supposed to be submitted last week. I did finish it today. I did it with some help so for that I am truly thankful to Jan.

I also attended a meeting today and thank goodness no one cried. I doubt I'd have a strong resolve to listen to them this time. I had a short conversation also with one of the legal officers (Atty. Dex) in that meeting and it redirected my focus. I was thinking about my plans in the months to come and this helped me a lot not to think of how heavy the conversation was. I am also grateful for it.

Seems to be going well when about 4 in the afternoon, this person asked me to direct all my concerns with their division to her. This took me by surprise but I thought, ok. I felt so little because other people heard and listened to what she was saying. But you know what, Arnel made it light for me because he laughed about it, made me chuckle with his funny remarks, and ultimately lighten my mood. He heard it alright. But at least he is a friend. It's sort of saying, "I heard everything. Are you ok?" (or maybe he's just gossiping, lol). Despite him hearing the conversation (it was loud because he heard it from across the room) and regardless why he asked me, I still am grateful because it made me feel ok in the end.

I thought I had good streak of keeping things together. I went home early because of the kids. Sat down on my favourite rocking chair. Then I read it. She sent me a message detailing how she felt disrespected that I am asking her staff to do things without her knowledge, that I am commenting on their work without her knowledge,  and that she wishes for me to stop being so meticulous with their work as they already know how to do their job (she's about to go on a loooong vacation). Basically, telling me off and reprimanding me for sticking my nose where it shouldn't. To be fair, I am not asking them to do things without instructions from my boss. But yeah...this conversation still happened. 

I felt hurt because I only bid what our boss wanted. But at the same time, I also cannot disregard how she felt because that's how that experience was for her. I am hurt because I cause hurt to her, to her people and I thought it was okay because she was also asking my staff to work for her division's tasks. I guess it was not okay. At that instant, tbh, all emotions came crashing and I cried heaps. I was angry and I wanted to tell her, well if you do your job well, I wouldn't have to check on it. I wanted to hurt her as well. I wanted to lash out. But because I am a coward, I chose to cry. I sent her a message saying something about how I'd appreciate her extending the same courtesies to me and my staff. And that's how far I got. Even thanking her in the end. I'll take the criticism because at the end of it all, I consider it a constructive one.

Then I cried non-stop. I asked Poy to come home early after hiding under the blanket. I am grateful he did because I am a lost cause at that hour. And as I am typing this story, I am almost certain that I will be crying again after. In hindsight, I did broke some protocols. I also bypass her authority. Poy put this into perspective. He said, "maybe you did something to her, maybe you did those things because you are familiar with the team since you were once part of it." Maybe. Nevertheless, he put me into this place and had me thinking what I could do in the future to avoid such conflicts.

Will I still be meticulous about their work? Absolutely. It's my work. I'd prolly be careful though with my transactions with her and her division. I'd still be as meticulous and I know you'll hate me for it. That's a promise.

I need to process my emotions because I don't want to end like some dude who cannot take things and end up somewhere...unreachable. 

For now, I'll leave it here while I build my confidence slowly.

Also thankful for the pizza Poy bought upon knowing I've been crying non-stop. Was not able to enjoy it because my dentist hates me, can't eat much because every bite is so painful. Naaah. I asked him to fix the rubbers because I am going to a summit next week. Hoooraay! Something to look forward to, I guess. Til then.