A Light Bulb Moment

I had an epiphany, a sudden ding-ding-ding, a light bulb moment. I try to evaluate my actions as much as possible, thinking what I did the past days and make the necessary changes to be a better person. In the process of doing this, I found out that IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO BE GOOD! But that wasn’t my realization for the day…

You know the song Jenny from the Click Five? Well if you haven’t, there’s a video below. It tells about a girl called Jenny—which incidentally is my name—who’s indecisiveness is killing the guy, always keeps him waiting, moody; basically an annoying girl. It came in to popularity when I was still in college. Some of my friends teased me about it the moment it came out but I just laughed them off. My defense: That’s not me—well, except maybe the moody part. It’s just that, these past few days (maybe even years!), I’ve been this self-absorbed bitch without even realizing it. And they’re right about me all along.

I came to this conclusion when I was about to text him. I’m ALWAYS making everybody wait for me without thinking where this waiting will lead all of us. And that’s what I told him: to wait. Just wait blindly, make effort, waste time on me, and let me do whatever the hell I want while you’re trying your hardest to impress me. The moment that I realized I’m doing to him what I did to everyone, I stopped. I want to be with him and tell him, “I really, really like you.” But I know better than to say that. I know that he deserves a better me, or maybe a better someone. I know for sure that I like him. I’ve been thinking about him everyday. It’s crazy! I don’t want to tell him to wait further because I’m not sure if I will still like him the moment that I’ll tell him what I feel. This whole thing is making me mad!

 I have learned that sometimes, you’ll have the control to make someone like you, to get him, to make him fall for you even more. But when you think about him and how much he means to you, you will make an effort to be good enough for him, to stay away for awhile and think things through, to make sure that what you feel is really want you want, to be the best person you can be for him. I know that time is running too fast and I may lose him forever but first I want to be deserving of his love, that I can honestly say to myself that I love him, not because he’s not here with me anymore, but because this is really what I feel. I just hope that by the time I'm ready, he's still there. Although that seems highly unlikely…