Rants

I sometimes can’t control how I react to things and when that happens, disaster follows. Self control is like hammering your inner self not do or say things that could eventually result to something nasty. And I’m no master in that area. As I wander down to memory lane, I realized how bad I was to some of my friends…

When mom died, all the things she gave me were instantly considered as priceless—books, gadgets, hair curler—basically everything she bought. I haven’t really moved on with her death that I cling too much to the things that she once owned and gave me. And as cliché as it may sound, I used to sleep with her clothes on my bed, trying to somehow sniff her scent. But I got over that but the longing and pain was still there.

As much as I loved mom’s things, I still lend them to my friends because I know that they need it and I have long given up the i-wont-lend-you-my-stuffs-because-mom-gave-it-to-me attitude. If mom’s alive, she would have done the same. But I’m starting to have second thoughts on that because every time I lend something to my friends, it’ll always end up in a nasty way. I also used to offer my friends to lend them my books because I know that they would enjoy it as much as I did. But I dunno, I guess they just don’t care.

One of the things why I decided not to lend them my stuffs anymore was because of certain things that have happened in the past. It started when my friend asked me to lend her my mom’s curling iron. I loaned it to her hoping that she would take care of it not because it once belonged to mom but because it’s not her and she just borrowed it. I kept on asking her to give it back to me but she would say that she didn’t bring, it’s on their house, she forgot to bring it and all sorts of bs. That whole story lasted for a year and when I finally had the last of it, she promised me to give it back to me as soon as possible. But lucky for me, a friend told me that she was lying and the truth was that the thing got broken long ago and she said it herself to him. I really got pissed and so I sent her a text saying that I’d still want it back even if it’s broken because it’s important to me but she concocted a tale saying that their house keeper took it and that she took off with the rest of their things blah blah blah. I don’t really understand why she told me that. I would’ve totally forgiven her even if it’s broken but she just kept on with her story and continued to lie to me even if I begged her not to. And that’s when I lost all my respect to her and I have said some things I shouldn’t have. She got really offended and in the end, it was me who said sorry to her. But I still couldn’t understand why she’d do that.

It’s not just that one instant. There’s this one time when I lend my book to this friend because I know he’s always failing his English subject. I took the initiative to help him with his dilemma because apart from the dreary time that he’ll be spending with that course, he was in the danger zone of not graduating on time. After their graduation, I asked him to give the book to me and stressed out how important it was to me. I IM’ed him, email, text, send him a facebook message, then email him again, begged him some more and he just ignored me. It’s always like that. I lend a friend a bunch of dvds, lost one copy, never even bothered to text me that it was lost, asked my other friend to relay that information and just forget that there’s this owner who’d love to hear from her.

And then I realized that we, the people of this planet, aren’t always that sensitive (guilty), not that careful with what others might feel (guilty again), and not perfect (very much guilty). But at the end of the day, I’d always say that mom’ll never have liked if I’d scratch their eyes for not giving my things back. :)) She would always treasure friendship over things. All I’m saying is that they should have been more open with what’s happening/has happened with my stuffs. Is that too much to ask?