The Whys

There is this friend who told me that I look pretty. She would constantly say that I am but for some reason, my response always would be: “same ramana gud ug nawong gahapon” as if telling her, there’s nothing that has changed, really, and this is the face that I have been carrying since time immemorial. 

I get to think things over today and maybe, just maybe, the reason why I don’t believe such compliments was because of the comments I got growing up. Or maybe I believe them but I still have a hard time accepting it and saying “thank you” as what a normal person would say in a given situation. I grew up in a town called Maniki and people in my town are so unforgiving if you look different.

 

I remember having to endure countless teases about how fair my skin is that they branded me with names such as “Amerkanang hilaw (half cooked American girl).” That caused me so much embarrassment because they would laugh and I’m left with, “What did I do?” question. Although they knew that I have a Chinese blood, that didn’t stop the teasing. When people would say that I am smart, I would say, I’m just average because growing up, people would tease me that I talk so fast. Even though I think my opinions are interesting, I’m still branded as someone who talks like a “machine gun.” Now, people would say that I look healthy because I look okay, physically wise, as a response, I would say, “normal raman na gud” (it’s normal) or “mao jud akong lawas sauna pa (my body has been that way)” or “maybe (my mom didn’t have a huge built) kay akong mama dili ana ka dako pud when I was her age.” It’s always me deflecting things because growing up, I was teased by my relatives for having big boobs and how it looked inappropriate although I didn’t do anything. 

 

Those things I’ve experienced were the reasons why I didn’t enjoy my high school life as much as in college. People in the city are much appreciative…I guess. I don’t really care if people would not see me as beautiful, as smart, as sexy as important as everybody else…it’s just that I’m having difficulty accepting the compliments. 

 

Why did I think about it now? Well, this friend, when she said that I look pretty last Friday, and I deflected the compliment, she said in a jest: “Nganong di man jud ka mutuo? (why don’t you believe me?).” Also, I believe that beauty isn’t really important. I think you will look beautiful if you are a good person and that you are not purposely doing things that would hurt people. I’m no saint. I’ve hurt people because of my wrong decisions, wrong words, just being a human being but I didn’t hurt them purposely now that I knew better.

 

That’s it folks. Just be careful with your words because of the lasting effect on other people. I think those comments made me not so confident with how I present myself. Anyway, just dropping by before I start with my Consti Review. No Christmas celebration for me, just me and my intrusive thoughts.

 

Good night. -J