Death

Death is inevitable. It is ubiquitous. And we can never say that money has the power to save us from that end, nor the goodness of one’s soul.

I recently watched the movie Law Abiding Citizen and was disturbed by what I saw. It seems to me that the movie was all about killing people. Though it rooted from the barbaric death of the wife and daughter of Clyde Shelton, it then became a chain of vengeance after 10 years of idleness and preparation. It was gruesome and unthinkable. And all that was left was for me to keep watching, covering my eyes on certain scenes.

The killing of people in that movie made me think how death can consume one’s own life. More than once, I experienced death in my family. It was an obscene incident that still haunts me. And just as I think how certain things happen because God has a purpose on it, it made me confused all the more.

I shudder to think how Death will knock one day in my doorstep saying, “Hey Jen, it’s time.” Or will I know automatically that it’s him knocking? The more I think about things like that, the more that the experience becomes so real.

One thing that I have learned during the 20 years of my existence was the pain that is attached to it. How can I smile and celebrate my birthday when the chance of seeing and spending time with my loved ones is now in jeopardy? The more I age, the less time I have to be with them. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, I don’t know where. But sooner or later, they or I will die.

I’m not really concerned about dying. I am a sinner. And I don’t mind spending my next life in hell. Yes, I imagined life with God in the Promise Land. But what can I do if am doomed to be there? I already accepted it. The thing that bothers me though is the way how I will die. I never wanted my limbs to be cut, no, not that way. I did not imagine that kind of death, never. Tell you what, I wanted to die in just a flick. If I’ll be shot, then let me die in an instant. Let me die in my bed while sleeping. Let a death-row-liquid consume me. I don’t mind at all. But since I am one of the worse sinner, then maybe I will die in the most painful way.

The future that I am planning all my life is faltering. I get to plan the details of my graduation, my first job, my husband, my kids, my grandchildren, and my future friends—all in my head. Not knowing which one will be done, which one will not. As a matter of fact, Death can sometimes take most of my time thinking.

In my weirdest days, I even did a voice recording before going to bed and saying how thankful I am to meet my friends and would tell there that I love my family so much. It was a stupid thing to do I know. But we will never know.

One of my friends doesn’t want Death to be in the topic in any of our conversations. So I asked him why. He never gave me a concrete answer except that he doesn’t want to think about things like Death. But, it will always be there, waiting. We can never escape it as what I’ve said above, it is inevitable. No one can stop it from happening.

Recent happenings in Haiti made me imagine what were they thinking when a massive roof was falling on top of their very head? Was it “Is this really happening?”; “Help!” or just zip, end, fin? Let us offer a minute of silence for their souls…

[A minute I say.]

Let us keep praying and may they rest in peace.