Reflection

I am reminded to day on the death of Grant Imahara as I was listening to Joji (Your Man). I don't know why but they look similar hence, the flashback. I have a huuuge crush on Grant and I guess his death came as a surprised to everyone. One day you are healthy, living your best and then suddenly you die. He was a freaking scientist. He contributed soooo much and yet he died unceremoniously. 

And so I looked back on my life. I have not contributed much that is pleasing to the Lord. How do you die and face your Creator with a bunch of reasons that you are worth going to Heaven and not Hell? For the past days, I am here, in my chair that I have sat on for almost 8 years, not knowing I’ve made a difference, not knowing if someone will look back to my life and say, that girl did something incredible, not knowing how my life really played, really. I try to reflect things out…and I am face with this wall…not moving forwarded and neither going backwards. I am in this spot for I don’t know how long and I am not making any difference. I am just a face in the crowd, not someone you look back or glance at. I don’t long to be popular or anything similar. No, not at all. What I am pointing at is, have I done something that is life changing?

Remember when you initially graduated from college and thought about the things that you want to do? The drive to change the world was there, to help the poor, to eradicate the pain, to make a difference. I was full of that idea. Was. Until I became jaded and somehow lost the passion. How? Maybe with the things I see everyday, the inequality, the unfairness… And you can’t do anything. WHY? Because you are just a speck in the whole ecosystem of dirt in the world. From time to time though, I am angered with the status quo. I try to reason out. I try to make sense of things, make people see sense. But reality though strikes your most precious drive with: Kay uyamot lang man ta (Because we are nothing). And your voice is shut. 

I am profoundly thankful for those people who made a difference, who tried to challenged the system, who made an impact. I salute them and I am extremely looking up to them. Have I surrendered? No. In a 10-point scale though, my drive which was at 10 now drops at 6. But I have not given up. I will continue to pave the path of the ideal what is right. Maybe not the ideal that I wanted, but hopefully close to that.

For now, I will hold onto the message sent to me by my brother which loosely translates: I am blessed to have you as my sister.