"My Life’s Spiritual Mess"

I’m not a religious person and I’m not a devoted Christian, naturally, I don’t go to church as often as every good Christian would do. We used to go to church but when my mother died, our family stopped going to church too. I don’t know why exactly but maybe because my father isn’t really a Christian and he’s not into going-to-church-every-Sunday thing. But, make no mistake, I do pray. For me, praying is an integral part of being a Christian. My reason was this: I’m not going to church, yes but AT LEAST I’m praying. I believe that praying is a loving conversation with God and it’s enough. And that’s where I stumble.

I don’t go to church for many reasons. One of these reasons was: Going to church was only INVENTED by the ever so holy Church. They wanted to imprison the Christians to believe that they’re the holy people summoned by God to spread holiness. I have a lot of arguments too. These include: Why do I need to go to church when I can pray at home and be true to how I feel. I feel that attending mass is full of hypocrisy. Why go to church when you always commit mistakes again and again? Why recite the novena when you don’t even understand most of those words that you say? And that were the starting point of my doubts.

For more than 4 years, I strayed away from church. During those years, I tried attending church services but I dunno, I just don’t feel at ease with it. Well, these past few days, I have been thinking. Things happen because God allows them to and I started to think that maybe, God isn’t really “helping” me to achieve my goals because I’m not paying my dues as a follower. Maybe God will appreciate my sincerity more if I do things HIS WAY. And maybe I feel pain because I’m not COMPLETELY letting Him in my life. There’s so much to learn yet I refuse to. I refuse God’s grace by refusing to be with Him ALL THE WAY.

And then last Sunday, I decided to go to church. BAAAAA! I was kind of hesitant to tell my aunt since she’s been inviting me since the day that I stopped. I’m not so sure how she will react but I know that if I’ll never ask to join her, I’ll never have the courage to ask her again. So I said to myself, just do it and deal with it. And then I did! That particular Sunday was extra special to me. I feel like I was this prodigal son who went away and spent all the gold and came back to ask for my Father’s mercy. Sort of.

When the part came that the church goers needed to kneel, I felt a stab on my knees (Goes to show that my body isn’t used to kneeling anymore.). I just think of it as a sacrifice and I deserve it.

As of the moment, I still have different views with regards to my Christian teachings—a lot of doubts and questions but I’m working on it. :) I’m not this preacher type Christian because I believe that you don’t need everyone to know how you work your relationship with God to be branded as a good person. My apologies for letting you undergo my life’s spiritual mess. I just thought that maybe, somehow, I could help. :D