"Maybe that’s one of the reasons I never liked him that much"
Conforming to the rules of someone else’s wants is a very hard task. Just like my father’s “commandments”; it made me think: Do I look like a 5 year old kid incapable of making a decision to herself? I hope not.
He used to tell me that his rules are the things that I must follow as long as I live in his house. It’s OUR house for goodness sake. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I never liked him that much. Before, I respected him because I so much fear his presence. But now, I respected him out of “utang na loob” (having a sense of gratitude). It looks bad, I know. But what can I do if he does things I’m not comfortable with?
I’m lucky that I have him. He’s a responsible father who does his job just to send us to good schools. He did not sexually abuse me. He’s a good father in those instances but he can never be an ideal one. Why? Because all I remember with him when I was a kid was the bruises he gave me, covering my whole body. He wanted to beat his kids like you think you can’t breathe from the pain just by looking at our crying faces. He sometimes used his feet and slippers to “teach” us lessons. And he was right; it etched in my mind and heart—leaving the scars so deep.
It’s not just the pain of the memories that hinders me from loving him truly, it’s the humiliation I get from my sister and brothers when he beats me or say things that slashes my being. He stopped “spanking” me when I was in my 2nd year high school. But still, no one can forget the days when he slowly cut the ties between us.
I remember the day when we had a conflict. Hurtful words just flew out his mouth or was it the beatings again? My mother was trying to reconcile us and we talked about it in my room; then she asked me: “Do you love your father, Jen?” I was tempted to say no and it took me a few seconds to answer her. At last I said yes—which commenced the day that I must lie and obey him blindly just to please him.
Will my feelings towards him have the chance to change? Maybe.
First of all,
ReplyDeleteOMG i never knew..
i mean shes the only one you got jen... hope you two will get along with each other.. :)
usually. girls with problems with their fathers.. tend to rebel.. parang.. they would act "inigat"...
xD IMO lang..
Oh Jen my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteNo one should have to endure what you have.
In answer to the question of if your feelings will have the chance to change, yes. Will it be easy, no.
Healing takes time, being around healthy people, feeding yourself the truth and being in a wholesome atmosphere.
I do not know your age or financial situation; but something to think and pray about is when it will be right to not live in the same home as your father. I know from experience that forgiving someone who has abused you is significantly easier when you do not live with that person.
Other helpful things are having people in your life who have similar experiences with whom you can talk, reading things written my survivors of abuse (various types since there are similarities in the effects), learning how to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
Most of all is learning to lean on God. Having a relationship with Him and finding strength, direction and hope in the Bible.
My prayers are with you.
Oh Jenny, I don't know what to say. It must be excruciating when someone who is supposed to love you hurts you instead.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I do know is that forgiveness on your part must depend on your willingness, it can't depend on his behavior. I hope you will be able to come to a place where you can, at least for your own healing, find a way to forgive him.
yeah..well, i'm in a middle class family and somehow, i am able to afford the things that i want. but not everything. i live far from home and somehow thankful that i don't get to see him as frequent as possible. with my mom gone, i know he's the only one i got..but, healing takes time..i just don't know when...but at least we're civil to each other...
ReplyDeleteJen, maybe there are reasons why your father did all of that. Well, we all had our Psychology classes, and we are taught that people behave in certain ways because of the experiences. Maybe he had a tough childhood. :) Well, I am just giving you a possible reason why he is that. But again, it's still wrong to do those. And there is no valid excuse. Jen, I would not know if I have not read your post. OMG! We have been friends for almost four years and I never knew that. Anyway, you are a strong woman. Months from now, you can move out and be on your own. Try independence. And let's see if you'll look for your father or not. God Bless, jen. Nice post. Very bold. :D
ReplyDeleteWell, we all had our Psychology classes, and we are taught that people behave in certain ways because of the experiences. Maybe he had a tough childhood.
ReplyDeleteHe had. and i believe that his mother did not love him..my older sister used to tell me that he is unloved child..
Bury the hatchet. Wag mag tanim ng galit.
ReplyDelete