To My First Love
When you left me, I'm all over the place. You left me with some man I can't even say "I love you."
You were this amazing person who pushed me when I thought I couldn't. You believed in me more than I to myself. You gave me inspiration and showed me how to truly love without asking for anything in return. When I was starting to find myself in this world where everybody's judging, you comforted me.
I would always remember when you gave my sister that letter. I couldn't forget it because I know you loved her more than I love you. At that time, I could not fathom why you would say that but I do now. You said she was your first love. That hurt me then for a little bit but I know it's not something that I could ever take away from you. I saw pictures of you two and you were both adorable. Then one day, I became part of that picture. Always on the background, always the one with that disheveled hair and crumpled clothes but you never really care. You saw me as "that cute kid," the twin to my sister.
When I was growing up, I never knew I could love you the way I love you now. I get jealous of my brothers because they could hang out with you and I couldn't. I know you have always wished for their company and so I always resented them. It was pretty hard growing up knowing you will always be second best; second best to the love I so fervently hoped to have. But you changed my perspectives little by little. You understood me more than my sister. You understood me more than any person that I could think of.
At last, my sister graduated in high school. I had you for myself and although you still hang out with my brothers, I was fine with it. You had your full attention to me at some point. You would wake me up early in the morning just to accompany me going to school. School is no fun but your tutorials and your persistence won me over. As an English teacher, I was so blessed to have you as my tutor. I became an achiever - all the accolades that my mind could reach, I pursued them. I was happy and proud we became friends. My classmates would even tease me whenever I get good grades in that particular subject because they know you tutored me to it.
I was in high school when I truly realised I love you. At first it was just an admiration but it evolved into something concrete, something that all people could relate. You have always reciprocated, maybe not the way I want it to be but that was enough. You would tease me with some boys in my class and reminded me to be cautious, to always put the idea of finishing school first, to tell you if someone would show interest in me. I heed on what you said and some things I kept for myself. But you always find them out anyway. You were that caring and snoopy. I understand that you were only protecting me. I really felt bad that I lied to you, though.
I remember that time when you cried in front of me because my sister lied to you. She was in college then and she lied about the things that you held so important. I hated her for that, you know. When I was immature (sometimes I still am) and young, I would nag her about that one instance. She broke your heart and I would always remind her of that until all she could do was look guilty. I had the satisfaction of seeing her face, unable to speak because I know that she knew I was right.
Maybe you had enough or maybe it was really time but on my fourth year in high school, you left us for good. Even though I never get to call you as my own (because I share you with a lot of people), you gave me that everlasting love. You never get to see it but I must admit that when you left me, I was all over the place. You left me with some man I can't even say "I love you." And then I moved on as all people should do. I became entangled with different guys and I never thought of you. Slowly I forgot about you. But every once in a while, I remember...
Today, I am reminded how brave you were to raise us, all five of us. As cliché as it may sound, I could never be half of a mother as you were to us. I remember everything, the scolding, the fun times, the love. You showed me what unconditional love is, putting us first before yourself. And even though my relationship with dad was not that perfect, yours was, and that taught me somehow to fix things with him. I could never forget what happened in the hospital which Aunt Tess relayed to us later on. This happened after the car accident that you had. You were in that gurney and you asked the people around you to look after us because you knew there was no food in the house. You weren't able to cook for us, you said. That for me was a mother who loves unconditionally that even in her worse, bleeding, bones crushed, internal organs pierced, you still thought about how we can survive the day even when you were struggling to live by the minute yourself. I love you mom...to eternity and beyond. Happy Mother's Day.
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